Resident Evil: The Big Mess o' Plot
by Aero19
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if all the RE games were crammed into one juicy mess of absolute confusion? Ok, so it's been done. But this one is like a play! Isn't that fun?
1. In the beginning, there was vodka

Man, um…well, I've never written that parody-ish crap before. And I also want to write a play. And the only fanfic I'm really capable of doing is something Resident Evily, so why not multitask? And hey! You calling my idea unoriginal? Fine, then! I'm just having a hard time writing anything serious at the moment! So…shaddup! Btw, this is nuthin like my other fic. It's immature and…well, that's it. L33t. No copyright infringement intended.

---

_A figure of a tall man appears on stage, silhouetted by blinding spotlights from behind._

: You've already joined Jill, Chris, Claire, Leon, Rebecca, Bruce, Ada, and perhaps even Barry in that friggin Gaiden game, as they fought hordes of undead. But have you ever wondered…WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEBODY CRAMMED THEM ALL INTO ONE MORONIC LITTLE GAME?

_An evil laugh sounds from nowhere in particular._

: Um…yeah. Didn't think so. Anyways, even super duper zombie game stars like ME need their pension money. Hello Retirement! Man , I've been in so many fics that I could pay the entire cast of Friends to strip for me. My name is…

_Spotlights turn off from behind, and appear in front._

Billy: Billy Coen! LOLZ! You thought I was Wesker! HAHAHA n00bs! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Spotlight: Shut up.

Billy: OO Did that light thingie just talk?

Spotlight: NO

Billy: Hmm. Well, wtf do I care? My IQ is so low, it…um…it sucks! Let's start Act I!

_A magickal floating sign wafts onstage, with the words 'Act I: HEY LOOKIE IT'S A GOOEYSLIMY FUN THING!' written on it._

Billy: Heeheehee! I'm in this one!

_The stage darkens a little, and Rebecca walks out._

Rebecca: Bunnies, bunnies…

Billy: HAHA! Becky's retarded! HAHAHAH!

_Wesker runs onstage, and shoots Billy with a silenced beretta._

Wesker: I PWN EVERY RE PARODY! On a side note, this fic is not intended to be offensive to mentally handicapped people, chickens, Becky, or most infected with (a. the T-Virus b. the G-Virus c. Las Plagas). Barry and those with the T-Veronica virus, however, should take offense. God I better be paid well for this…

Rebecca: Lollipops, puppies and rainbows… Erm, Wesky, don't we need Billy for most of the story?

Wesker: oO aww crap…Well, I'll be Billy then. MORE AIR TIME!

Spotlight: STFU BIATCH

Wesker: Well, you're an ass. Anyways, go ahead Rebby.

Spotlight:…Rebby?

_Rebecca throws a nearby pickaxe at the spotlight, breaking it into many, many tiny little pieces. _

Rebecca: LOLZ I PWN! starts skipping

_Wesker sighs, and pulls a cruddily-made cardboard train out from offstage. Rebecca looks at it and giggles._

Wesker: Erm, it's Barry's…

Rebecca: Yeah, and I'm a donkey. Oh yeah! Line! pulls out script OH No my plane has crashed it…aww, damn, part of my script's cut off, crappy photocopying…aha! Oy, Enrico, it's a train!

_Wesker moves the train up and down._

Wesker: VROOM! VROOM!

Rebecca: Erm, it's supposed to be stopped…

Wesker: Erm…Barry did it.

Rebecca: Wesker…what's with you and Barry?

Wesker: WHAT NUTHIN U N00B

Rebecca: 

Wesker: Err…uhh…I'm Billy Coen…uhh…

Rebecca: HEEY IT'S STILL MY LINE! starts singing It's My Life

Wesker: Oh this is just so frickin great…

Spotlight: THIS PLAIE SUXORS!

Wesker & Rebecca: I PWNED YOU!

Rebecca: …and must we all l33t speek?

Spotlight: Tea!

Wesker: Wtf…

Rebecca: MmMmmM T-Bags

_Billy floats onstage_

Billy: NOOOO!

Wesker/Rebecca/Spotlight: OMFG!

Billy: Ya I'm a ghost…

Rebecca: I don't care n00b…Spotlight dearest, are you a ghost as well?

Spotlight: Well dearie, I could not tell you. All I know is that I've become increasingly similar to a British grandmother since you hit me with that pickaxe…

Wesker: WESKER!

Wesker: Yes?

Wesker: Give me more lines! I don't talk enough!

Wesker: Yes sir, right away Mr Wesker, sir. Say…umm….

Wesker: What is it?

Wesker: Umm, are you doing anything tonight? Wanna…grab a drink or sumthin?

Wesker: Well, yeah, ok. Eight fine?

Wesker: That's…that's great, yeah!

Rebecca/Spotlight/Billy's Ghost: WTF?

Lisa Trevor: waddles onstage Unnnghhhh…

Wesker: Ahh

Billy's Ghost: Ahh

Spotlight or Granny: Ahh

Rebecca: Ahh, oh, LOLz! Lisa, go away, you're in Act II.

Lisa Trevor: MOMMY!

Wesker: Let's hurry this up… shoots Lisa in the forehead

Lisa Trevor: DADDY

Wesker: AHH FUGLY runs away

Lisa Trevor: DADDY :(

Rebecca: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY SHADDUP! Lisa, go away. Wesker, get your ass back here! We need to move forwards! Nobody's interested!

Spotlight Granny: Oh my, I'm so uninterested that I could just faint!

Rebecca: throws a Hot Pocket at Spotlight I WANNA GO TRAIN!

Wesker/Billy: I'll train you…

Rebecca: walks into cardboard train Ok Billy I'm not supposed to know you yet so leave. Wesker, nobody needs you anymore so go and date yourself. Spotlight, light me up.

_-various grumblings-_

Lisa Trevor (offstage): unnGGGHAghhhh

Rebecca: Oh Snap there's a dead body!

Corpse: stands up grrroooannnn

Rebecca:…That was screwed. Anyways… Blamma! mimes shooting in head with a pencil

Corpse: sits down

Rebecca: Pwned….AAHHHHAHHHHHHHH!

_Something jumps through window, gets stuck, and has to wriggle through_

Rebecca: Oh look! You're that guy from my STARS team that kept touching my thigh!

Spotlight: Erm, he has a name…

Rebecca: Yeah…PERV! Ha! Pwned!

'Perv': Hey…

Rebecca: Sry…Oh, I'm SO not! HA!

'Perv': Rebecca, take some Ritalin and push your ADD to the side for the moment. The forest is full of…zombies and monsters…

Rebecca: Zombies and monsters…

'Perv': nods

Rebecca: Oh, like u u perv! HA! PWNED!

'Perv': Oh, for fuck sakes…blows whistle

_Two pugs scramble through the window, out of breath._

Rebecca: OH Fat puppy!

Pudgy Pugs: Lolz :P

Rebecca: Aww Cutieful! pets

Pudgy Pugs: drool

Billy: …Aww, fuck this! runs up, shoots pugs, runs away

Rebecca: PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS!

Pudgy Pugs:(

Rebecca: Meh. walks down hall singing songs from Chess

Spotlight: Classy.

_Rebecca sees a dead body, and bends down to look. _

Rebecca: OOH LOOKIES! There's sumthin in his hand! pries out a key

: hic Give me…hic hic the sample, Leon… hic

_Rebecca turns around to see a very drunken Ada_

Rebecca: ADA?

Ada: WesHICker? hic

Wesker: Krauser?

Krauser: Leon?

Leon: Ashley!

Ashley: Ada?

Ada: hic Laser… hic laser beams? runs away and vomits in corner

Laser Beams: LEON

Leon:Ada?

Ada: continues wretching

Leon: Erm, ok…Jill?

Jill: Chris?

Chris: Rebecca?

Rebecca: Ad- Ada gives Rebecca the finger Erm, Barry?

Barry: LASER BEAMS

Laser Beams: BELLA SISTERS

Bella Sisters: HEEYYAHHHHHHH-lisa trevor-HHHAAAHHHHHHH!

Lisa Trevor: unnnggahhhghghhhhh…?

Atashi: …ATASHI!

Wesker: Uh oh! Stop, she's probably copyrighted herself! AHH! ROYALTIES!

Rebecca: Alright, it's MY scene! Krauser, Leon, Ashley, Jill, Chris, Barry, Bella Sisters, Lisa, Ada, Atashi, even…cries Laser Beams…GET OUT OF MY CHAPTER!

_Everyone leaves, except Billy, who stands where Ada was. Cringing, he steps back from a pile of vomit._

Rebecca: turns around slowly Lieutenant Billy Coen!

Billy: Um, no.

Rebecca: Um…flips through script HEEY! The rest of the pages are blank!

Billy: flips through his too Aww, man! I haven't even played my own game!

Rebecca: Well, it wasn't great, so you didn't miss much…

Billy: Hmm. Let's go upstairs. No, wait. You go, I'll stay here and look like a complete ass for almost getting you killed. Oh, and we have to go up the stairs in the Dining Car. That's back in the other direction. You can access it via the car you entered into.

Rebecca: OO And…you haven't played your game before?

Billy: Lollypops, puppies and rainbows…

Rebecca: runs away

Wesker: Um, do we have a narrator? No? Well fine then. I'll do it. Um…Rebecca went to the dining car…blissfully unaware that, um…y'know, the zombies and shit…aww, never mind. Who needs plot? All you need in life is a big gun pats sniper rifle

Barry (offstage): cringes

Rebecca: stops suddenly, Billy walks into her I sense a Barry Cringe…

Billy: …WTF?

Old Dude: sits there

Rebecca: OMG LOOK…Billy, go downstairs. You're gonna need to save me.

Billy: sings I Believe in a Thing Called Love for no apparent reason, then leaves

Rebecca: Wie-erd. Well. Oy, old dude. Hmm… am I British now?

Spotlight: Oh, you got the Brit Fever, darling!

Rebecca: shudders Alrighty. Um…sir? Oy…dyahh, I mean Hey, are you ok? I think you are, seeing as how all the others on this train are mindless, walking dead. Anyways, my name's Reb-

Old Dude: stands up, turns into leeches

Rebecca: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LLOIKE OOOOOMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Billy: Time yet?

Rebecca: No, let there be drama.

Billy: Okey dokey. leaves

Rebecca: Ok. Um, ahh, leeches, oh gawd, they're on me…oh, wait not yet. Get on here!

Leeches: sit down and write haiku

Rebecca: GET ON MY BACK!

Leeches: Yeah, yeah, fine, lady! hop on

Rebecca: Let them squirm…let them squirm…OK! You can come out now, Billy!

_silence_

Rebecca: BILLLLLLLYYYYY!

Leeches: mwahaahaa, disturb us from our haiku, will you?

Rebecca: HAHAHA! Haiku you it like rhymes!

Leeches:……Oh……oh yeah! lolz!

Billy: walks up stairs Well, I went to the back of the train, and found a hunting gun, two hundred bullets for your handgun, and an ice pick in case you lock yourself in that room over there points behind him. Oh yeah, I killed the first boss with this handy gun thingie, and grabbed this hookshot so you can go up to the roof and start the train. Then, we'll put these two rings into this briefcase which I also found, and go into the control room, and we'll operate the brakes. Oh yeah, and I went ahead and beat the game and got lotsa leeches in the minigame, so I grabbed this hardcore Magnum Revolver.

Rebecca/Leeches: Um Wtfh?

Billy: I mean…Rebecca! shoots leeches

Leeches: Don't, you. leave

Rebecca: Man You have good aim! Look, no bullet holes! dances around

Billy: Rings.

Rebecca: But I wanna look around…

Billy: Rings! Now! I'm doing a speed playthrough!

Rebecca: WTF mate? I thought this was a play!

Billy: Um…runs downstairs, then comes back up I'm um…the Billy of the first playthrough…um…

Rebecca: Gawd, how did you ever force yourself to play through this game TWICE?

Wesker: Get on with it! I haven't said anything in over a minute!

Rebecca: But you don't say anything in like half the games!

Wesker: Yeah….well…I have files! Don't you have files yet?

Spotlight: Seriously…isn't this a play?

Rebecca: ALRIGHT, FUCKOS! YOU ALL SUCK! I QUIT! walks offstage in a huff

Wesker: Erm…starts to squeeze into Rebecca's outfit

Jill: jumps onstage and slaps Wesker Oh no, you don't. This is my game now!

Chris: follows Jill You do realize that since you now have RE:0 AND a role in the movie, you won't even be mentioned in RE5! And that'll be my game cuz there's a pattern, and cuz…um…it's me…

Hunk: jumps into train No, you don't boyo. Dat's gonna be my game!

Bruce: opens window Nope. Me and Fong Ling are gonna make a comeback! In more ways than one…if you get my drift…y'know, with the sex and all…

Leon: No way, bro.

Jill: Go away, Leon.

Wesker: Yes. You're too cruel to midgets.

Rebecca: walks onstage Heeeey! You replaced me already?

Spotlight: Hunk…come down here.. I've got…something…to show you…

Hunk: Hmm? walks off the stage Oh…oh my giggles

Chris: I wanna see!

Jill: Oh god!

Barry: Now, is this really necessary? Lisa might be watching…

Wesker: Barry, she mutated how many years ago? She's a fully grown woman now, if not a little…

Barry: Fully developed, you say?

Wesker: Um, no…

Barry: I must…leave.

Wesker: But what about us?

Rebecca/Billy/Jill/Chris/Bruce/Hunk/Leon/Spotlight: OMFG!

Wesker: UMM NO I MEAN…um, everyone but um Jill, and…er…Hunk, I guess. Yes. Jill and Hunk, continue the plot.

Hunk: NO

Jill: NO

Wesker: …Why?

Jill: I wanna see what they were laughing at.

Hunk: And I'm not doing ANYTHING till I get the spot in RE5. Come on, remember that site where my name was like an acronym for something?

Chris: That was a fan site!

Hunk: Screw you!

Wesker: Jill, look at Spotlight's funny thingie. Bruce, you're on.

Jill: hops off stage, goes to Spotlight LOLZ!

Bruce: I only work with Fong Ling. Or Ada.

Leon: Asian Fever?

Bruce: No, they can take care of themselves better than any other girl…why? What's Asian Fever?

Ada: I'm not Asian.

Rebecca: Aren't you drunk?

Ada: hic flips Rebecca off

Billy: Ada, why do you keep giving Becky the finger?

Leon: starts singing Tubthumping offkey

Wesker: FINE! Rebecca, you're rehired. Billy, just pretend you haven't beat the game yet.

Rebecca: …I quit, didn't I?

Lisa Trevor: crawls onstage

Wesker: NO! BACK IN YOUR BOX!

Jill: Just let her play Rebecca, Weskers.

Creepy Leech Guy: AHEM!

_Everyone looks outside the train_

Creepy Leech Guy: starts singing in a freakishly high-pitched voice

Wesker: …queer…

Lisa Trevor: hits Wesker on the head with chains UNNNGHHHHH!

_All applaud._

Rebecca: Now that Wesker is unconscious, we can all take a little break. Join us nex-

Ada: HIC

Rebecca: -t time on Resident Evil: The Big Mess of Plot! Oh god, it's a TV show now. Help us all.

-----

Is the story a play, book, game, or live TV show? Will Wesker wake up? Will any royalties be paid? What exactly IS Spotlight's funny thing? Will Ada come down? WILL THE STORY GO ANYWHERE? Join us next time to find out!


	2. The worstest train crash ever

Rebecca: Look, he's coming to...

_Everybody takes off their party hat_

Ada: drools

Chris: pokes Ada Man...seventeen shots of vodka.

Jill: Pssshhh...seventeen. Don'tcha remember my record?

Chris: Jill, you were seven. You had twenty-five brandy glasses of apple juice at my birthday party, and spent the whole night pissing on the rug.

Wesker: unnnghhhgh?

Lisa Trevor: unnnghhhgh!

Billy: Down, girl.

Wesker:...WTF happened?

Bruce: Lisa hit yo-

Leon: STFU you're unpopular.

_Bruce runs away in tears_

Chris: Lisa hit you. On the head. With the chains.

Billy: o0 And I said I had bad IQ...

_Ada vomits again_

Wesker: She's STILL wasted?

Barry: Well, probably cause she drank a bottle of vodka, and maybe even because this train is hurtling towards some big menacing building at speeds reaching over...

Billy: PLOT SPOILER!

Rebecca: STFU bitch. Let's get this over with, ok?

Lisa Trevor: unnnaahhgghha

Spotlight: She says 'U STFU n00b. Weskies sed I was Rebecca'.

Wesker: Why the fuck does that talking spotlight still...still...

Jill: Talk?

Wesker: Yeah, yeah. That's the word.

Ada: laughs suddenly

Wesker: Ok. Lisa, take Hunk and stop this train!

Hunk: I told you, NO

Wesker: …Asswipe. Bruce,-

Bruce: Ada or Fong Ling, dammit!

Wesker: FINE DAMMIT! Take Ada and stop this motherfucking train!

Bruce: OO Simmer down, mannn!

Lisa: cries

Leon: Stfu.

Ada: LOLZ! hic

Bruce: Lez roll.

_Bruce runs off, giggling._

Chris: Fifty bucks he's gay…

_Ada stumbles after him, tripping over the body of a pug_

Rebecca: Somebody should clean those up; they're starting to smell.

Spotlight: SEMICOLON!

Wesker: Kill me…

-----

_Bruce pulls Ada through the train, towards the control room. _

Ada: SEX! Lolz!

Bruce: Heeheehee…that's clever. pulls briefcase out of back pocket Ada, the rings?

Ada: hic sings Here Comes the Bride, but only seems to know the first line

Bruce: Aww crap.

Ada: HAHAHA pulls out hangun and shoots briefcase

_The briefcase falls apart, revealing the card key inside_

Bruce: Hmm… you are handy…

Ada: SEX! Lolz!

Bruce:

_Bruce slides cark key through electronic lock, while Ada makes drunken innuendos about sliding card keys through locks._

Bruce: YAY I DID IT! I'm Useful!

Ada: n00b! HA!

Bruce: …Sex…

Ada: Lolz! Tee-hee! hic

_They go through the door, and find that they are outside_

Bruce: Look…corpses…

Ada: LOL THEY R PWNED

Bruce: And slimy. I smell a plot…

Ada: falls off side of train

Bruce: ADA!……bursts out laughing Ok, so I'm better off without her…

_Bruce enters the control room, and sees Jill standing inside, tapping her foot._

Bruce: Aww crap.

Jill: Without a chick, you just plain suxors.

Bruce: Then why did you come? LOL PW-

Jill: I swear, you say pwned, I'll stick a bayonet in your gizzard!

Bruce: oO

Jill: Look, you ain't funny, so take this nifty new key thingie to the back of the train and insert it into the cardkey slot.

Bruce: I miss Ada.

Jill: waves AK-47 with bayonet mounted

Bruce: Eep…leaves

Jill: Moron…pulls handbrake, train stops

Bruce (outside): AHHHHHHH falls off train Hey Ada…

Ada: SEX!

-----

_Almost like magic, everyone falls out of the train into a burning basement_

Hunk: Huh? Didn't we stop like five minutes before the big dark evil looming mansion that's not the Spencer mansion, but is also owned and operated by the Umbrella corporation?

Bruce: And didn't I fall off the train before we stopped?

Ada: SEX!

Rebecca: Ok, old now.

Ada: hic

Chris: Just get her some booze…it's easier this way…

Billy: Here, have this tank of gas. Who needs Molotovs when you have Barry to use as a human shield?

Barry: I resent that comment…

Leon: Ya well ur a prude, bro. Stfu.

Spotlight: Why does every single sentence you say have Stfu connected to it?

Leon: How the fuck did you get here?

Spotlight: Psychic powers…

Luis: Oy!

Leon: LUIS!

Luis: Wesker!

Wesker: No.

Ada: SEX!

Rebecca: Oh, shut the fuck up already!

Leon: That's stfu!

Jill: pwned

Bruce: Omfg…

Wesker: Alright! Everybody shut up! We need to move the plot along! Lisa, you and Chris will go up and explore the mansion.

Lisa: MOMMY!

Chris: What are you gonna do? Sic a Tyrant on us?

Wesker: Next act.

Chris: Oh.

Wesker: Yep.

Chris: Well then.

Wesker: Fine.

Chris: stands there stupidly

Wesker: GO DAMMIT!

Chris: Eep…runs away

Lisa: cries, stumbles away

Hunk: So…what do we do?

Leon: Let's make gingerbread houses!

Ada:…sex?

Barry: No, Ada. Drink your gasoline.

Wesker: I'm in my happy place…I'm in my happy place…

-----

_Chris and Lisa walk through the sewers_

Chris: Become a member of STARS, he said…being a drifter isn't a job, he said…

Lisa: Unnnggagghhh?

Chris: Oh, Lisa…sorry, just thinking about how my life…sucks bursts into tears

Lisa: Uhhhhgngh.

Chris: Well, ok…I never really wanted to join the STARS, but Barry made me…and it turns out that he was just doing it for the money! And…and…bawls

Lisa: Auuugh… stretches out arms

Chris: Thanks… hugs Lisa

Lisa: smiles, wraps chains around Chris' throat

Chris: AACCAACCCKK…spits blood ACKKKKKK…KKK…K…stops choking

Lisa: Unggh! drops Chris, runs up a ladder somehow

Wesker (offstage): What was that? Jill, Barry, go investigate.

Jill: sigh… Wrong act…

Wesker: STFU!

_Jill and Barry enter the sewer._

Jill: Barry! Look! points to Chris' body

Barry: Uhoh! runs to puddle of blood beside Chris Blood! Hope it isn't Chris'…

Jill:…Um, WTF?

Barry: Hmm…I'm gonna investigate this a little more…You check for Chris through that door, Jill. points to ladder

Jill: Um…one, that's a ladder. Two…turns Barry's head an inch to the right.

Barry: Bloody Shitcakes! It's Chris! Oh, don't worry. He's just sleeping.

Jill: Fucking kill me.

Barry: Well, I'm gonna investigate this a little more. You check for Chris through that door, Jill. points at ladder again

Jill: WESKER! storms back out of sewer

Barry: I hope Chris is ok…

-----

_Jill walks back into burning basement_

Jill: Wesker!

Leon: He's not here.

Jill: Shut up, rookie. Where is he?

Leon: Ok, see, that's just weird. You tell me to shut up-and hey, I'm not a rookie-, but you ask me where he is? WHAT DO YOU WANT, WOMAN?

Jill: turns to Hunk Where is he?

Hunk: Erm, he said he was slipping away to watch you through a hidden camera with some Birkin dude. Oh yeah, and can you drive him back to Raccoon after this so he can fly back out around here with you while pretending he wasn't here?

Jill:…Slower than the average bear. Screw it. Rebecca, Ada, let's grab a beer.

Ada: SEX

Jill: …Rebecca, let's grab a beer.

Rebecca: SEX

Jill: turns back to Hunk8 WTF?

Hunk: Oh, yeah, Ada told her to lighten up, so she drank a box of wine coolers and is now copying Ada.

Jill: Where the hell do we find all this booze?

Spotlight: Oh, I always keep a little devil's sin on me wherever I go, dearie…

Jill: Where's a suicide pistol when you need one? runs to elevator, jumping heroically through fire

Bruce: Does anybody think we should get out of this room? Y'know, follow Wesker and Jill, or Lisa and Chris, or call Claire and Fong Ling for some good times…

Leon: OO I always thought you were gay…

Bruce: I hide it well, don't I?

Billy: Hey, you raise a good point! Why aren't Claire, Fong Ling, Ashley, and Sherry here?

Hunk: I blame the Umbrella Corporation!

Bruce: Don't you work for them?

Hunk: …If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all!

Fire: DA DA DA! runs toward a conveniently-placed bottle of vodka

Vodka: BLAMMA! explodes with vengeance

Leon: ADA!

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: That's it! I'm going emo! pulls out knife, hacks some hair off, pulls out cd player, puts on some Linkin Park

Leon: Your hair's all wrong! Look at mine!

Burning Vodka: AHEM! Burning here!

Hunk: Sorry…

Burning Vodka: It's ok, just do better next time…runs towards Spotlight

Spotlight: EGADS I'M BURNING

Rebecca: NOOOOOO runs towards Spotlight

Ada: Hey I didn't do th- hic HEY LOOK! points near train

Krauser: jumps out of fire OY! No peeking!

Ada: He's a burp chicken! points to claw

Rebecca: LOLZ

Ada: LOLZ

Krauser: AM NOT! My wing…er…claw is really strong! It can kill those freaky double chainsaw dudes in The Mercs in ONE HIT!

Ada: LOL Krauser's magic claw!

Rebecca: LOL I don't even know who he is!

Hunk: Hey! I'm better in The Mercs than you! I can break ppls necks!

Krauser: Yeah, but you gotta shoot them in the head! AND you can only kill one at a time! I, however, can kill as many as I can reach in one hit, no matter how strong they are! Plus, I get to use the compound bow!

Hunk: …Shut up, you roid-raging muscle-bound bimbo!

Leon: Fellas, fellas, we ALL know that I'm the best Mercs character!

Krauser:…LOLZ!

Hunk: LOLZ!

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: LOLZ!

Bruce: LOLZ!

Billy: LOLZ!

Spotlight: LOLZ!

Burning Vodka: LOLZ!

Carlos: roof blows up, helicopter lands, Carlos gets out LOLZ! gets back in, flies away, roof magically repairs

Leon: LOLZ…what are we laughing at?

Krauser:…LOLZ!

Hunk: LOLZ!

Ada: LOLZ!

Rebecca: LOLZ!

Luis: LOLZ!

Bruce: LOLZ!

Billy: LOLZ!

Spotlight: LOLZ!

Burning Vodka: LOLZ!

Leon:…What?

Bruce: Lol…pansy…

Leon: I resent that!

-----

_Lisa, meanwhile, climbs up the ladder into the main hall._

Lisa: Unnhgh! walks into middle of room

Recording: YO BITCHES IT'S TIME TO GET BIZ-AY WITH THE MOTTO! Be still. Ok, so unity…no, wait, dicipline makes life…no, that's power…life? Or is it…Well, look! Take dicipline, life, power, and unity and mix them around for a while. Y'know, give them a cup of tea or something. Be hospitable, they might just be important soon. Or something. Hey, why am I even bothering to tell this to that fugly retarded girl anyways? YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS! Peace out.

Lisa: Um…er…cries

_Lisa runs through a random door, and finds herself in a hallway. She runs into a nearby bathroom to cry._

Lisa: arrrrghhhh

_A leech man pops up behind her_

Leech Man: Boo u!

Lisa: Unnhhgh! (Hey, you're fugly too!)

Leech Man: Mnnnhnnn… (That's not very nice, you know…)

Lisa: Uggh. Hghhhaaggg. Ghh? (Sorry. You just look sorta like me, is all. Wanna hang out?)

Leech Man: Mnnnmy. Ynnnmmmnmo. (Sure. I'm Fred by the way.)

Lisa: Uhhhhhg. Ghhg. Hghaarrrh? (Cool. I'm Lisa Trevor. Will you be my love intrest?)

Fred: Mnonnnyoo… (I would, but as a hive mind composed solely of leeches, I have no reproductive organs of any kind, nor do I have a desire to populate myself wi-)

Lisa: Ugghhghhgh! Haarrggg? Hgggrhhhr… (Alright, alright, I'm sorry I asked! Do you wanna go and kill off some members of STARS, a few wannabe cops, and an escaped convict? Oh, and some odd drunk Asian chick, can't forget her…)

Fred: Mnnno; ynommom. (Sounds good to me; seeing as all I do is hit things with various leeches.)

Lisa: Ugghhgg…(That was an improperly used semicolon…)

Fred: …Myyo! (…STFU biatch!)

-----

_Barry kneels by Chris' rotting carcass._

Barry: I hope Chris is ok…

-----

_Jill has found a bottle of Bailey's on a rotating train thingie._

Jill: Oh! I finally g-HIC- get what Lolz means now! LOLZ!

-----

_Back in the basement…._

Hunk: D'you suppose we should leave, or at least put out the vodka fire?

Spotlight: burning YES PLEASE!

Ada/Rebecca: Da dha dha da dha dha… MY SHARONA! Da dha dha da…

Billy: Let's light THEM on fire…

Leon: Well…uhhh…I don't really know if I could perform with another guy…

All sober people in room: oO

Leon: Ahh…not what you meant, was it?

Billy: So very far off…

Spotlight: PUT ME OUT!

Ada: Oh man… losing my buzz…

Bruce: Give her more booze, she's funny. She's the only person I know who hiccups when drunk.

Hunk: What about Fong Ling?

Bruce: Tiny burps.

Hunk: Ahh…

Bruce: Yep.

Spotlight: I HATE YOU ALL!

Luis: I see the President's equipped his daughter with ballistics…

Billy: WTF? That's completely…that just doesn't make sense…

Luis: No doubt, you're a fucking moron.

Krauser: Anybody for I Spy?

Hunk: sighs This is gonna be one hell of a long parody…

Rebecca: Well, hic, join us next time on…

Ada: I LOST MY BUZZ!

Everyone: RESIDENT EVIL: THE BIG MESS O' PLOT!

-----

Will Ada regain her buzz? Will Jill find Wesker? Will Lisa's love intrest spawn some balls and notice her? Will anybody else move out of the basement? Will anybody complete RE: 0? Will we find out what has become of most of the other RE girls? Will we discover if this is a book, show, game, or play? WILL BARRY STOP BEING SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON? Well, we all know the answer to the last one, but as for the rest… YOU'LL HAVTA WAIT TILL NEXT TIME! MWAHAAHAA!


End file.
